How to cope with having a mouth (part 2)

Dear Mak' achi-lun b6.3.1,

What else can a human mouth do?  Well, it's usually quite flexible and useful for communication except in the following example:

Human mouths suffer several malfuncions that interrupt normal functioning. One of these is known as being "stuck for words", which is when the mouth forms a rapidly-hardening adhesive that glues the mouth into a temporary position. As you can see in the picture, normal communication has become completely impossible.   It often lasts for a few seconds but has been known to go on for several years in extreme cases of stress or stupidity.

2. Interpersonal communication

The mouth is responsible for doing all the talking. Many humans go on holiday and leave their mouths to get on with everything while they’re gone. It’s no surprise that they come back to complete disaster. Great examples of this are political manifestos and job interviews: When people realise what their mouths have talked them into, it’s much too late for them to back out.

Human sexual desire works a lot like hunger. When it kicks in humans try to eat each other without reaching digestion and defecation. This they do, eventually, but they call it infidelity and separation. Kissing is a complete mystery that only humans can understand. If a man kisses another man, it could mean that they are father and son, depending on the country. It may mean that their football team has just scored a goal, it could be a sign of appreciation or it could mean that the first intends to explore sexual landscapes previously unknown with the other. Being on the receiving end of a kiss is, therefore, almost as confusing as knowing which fork to pick up first in an expensive restaurant. If a woman kisses another woman, it may mean that they feel a deep bond or it might mean that they absolutely hate each other. It could be that the kisser intends sexual intimacy or, just as likely, would like to drag the other through a hedge by the hair. If you’re ever a woman, never kiss another woman at a football match. First of all, this is as unladylike as punching the air and saying “Fuck, yeah!” and, secondly, you’ll find all the men around you recording it on their phones with loud shouts of “Keep going!” and the football match may completely grind to a halt.

When kissing it's customary to close your eyes.  This is because kissing is not the same as going sightseeing in a foreign city so spotting a Da Vinci in mid kiss won't necessarily make the experience any better.  You should be careful, though, no to relax into the kiss too much.  This couple from Paris got a little carried away and ended up taking a nap.  The police were called in after twenty-six hours to wake them up with hot coffee and croisants.

If a man kisses a woman in public it can mean two opposite things. Firstly, it’s a pretty good indicator to everyone else that there’s nothing secret going on between them. On the other hand, they may be in the first stages of romance (sexual desire for people who can’t call a spade a spade) and they can’t keep their tongues out of each other’s stomachs even if their having a blazing row about the average speed of broadband in Oklahoma. Stable couples, who have been together for longer than 3 weeks, often try and reignite the flame by kissing in front of people, resting their hands carelessly on each other’s buttocks in the queue to the checkout, calling each other variations of “Honeybear”, “Babykins” or “Peachy” and trying to beat the other at saying “I love you” (No, I love you more, Monkey Tits). When they make jokes among friends about how lively their sex life is, it’s clear to everyone else that these are no more than jokes with no basis in reality whatsoever.

This week I have set about the task of kissing as many people as possible to record the results and levels of satisfaction.  The feedback has been mixed but can be roughly divided into, on the one hand, a passionate response, and on the other, violent rejection.  Sometimes, both reactions are mixed together.

More to come, dear son!
Sha*-lun b6.3.7