How to cope with having a mouth (part 2)

Dear Mak' achi-lun b6.3.1,

What else can a human mouth do?  Well, it's usually quite flexible and useful for communication except in the following example:

Human mouths suffer several malfuncions that interrupt normal functioning. One of these is known as being "stuck for words", which is when the mouth forms a rapidly-hardening adhesive that glues the mouth into a temporary position. As you can see in the picture, normal communication has become completely impossible.   It often lasts for a few seconds but has been known to go on for several years in extreme cases of stress or stupidity.

2. Interpersonal communication

The mouth is responsible for doing all the talking. Many humans go on holiday and leave their mouths to get on with everything while they’re gone. It’s no surprise that they come back to complete disaster. Great examples of this are political manifestos and job interviews: When people realise what their mouths have talked them into, it’s much too late for them to back out.

Human sexual desire works a lot like hunger. When it kicks in humans try to eat each other without reaching digestion and defecation. This they do, eventually, but they call it infidelity and separation. Kissing is a complete mystery that only humans can understand. If a man kisses another man, it could mean that they are father and son, depending on the country. It may mean that their football team has just scored a goal, it could be a sign of appreciation or it could mean that the first intends to explore sexual landscapes previously unknown with the other. Being on the receiving end of a kiss is, therefore, almost as confusing as knowing which fork to pick up first in an expensive restaurant. If a woman kisses another woman, it may mean that they feel a deep bond or it might mean that they absolutely hate each other. It could be that the kisser intends sexual intimacy or, just as likely, would like to drag the other through a hedge by the hair. If you’re ever a woman, never kiss another woman at a football match. First of all, this is as unladylike as punching the air and saying “Fuck, yeah!” and, secondly, you’ll find all the men around you recording it on their phones with loud shouts of “Keep going!” and the football match may completely grind to a halt.

When kissing it's customary to close your eyes.  This is because kissing is not the same as going sightseeing in a foreign city so spotting a Da Vinci in mid kiss won't necessarily make the experience any better.  You should be careful, though, no to relax into the kiss too much.  This couple from Paris got a little carried away and ended up taking a nap.  The police were called in after twenty-six hours to wake them up with hot coffee and croisants.

If a man kisses a woman in public it can mean two opposite things. Firstly, it’s a pretty good indicator to everyone else that there’s nothing secret going on between them. On the other hand, they may be in the first stages of romance (sexual desire for people who can’t call a spade a spade) and they can’t keep their tongues out of each other’s stomachs even if their having a blazing row about the average speed of broadband in Oklahoma. Stable couples, who have been together for longer than 3 weeks, often try and reignite the flame by kissing in front of people, resting their hands carelessly on each other’s buttocks in the queue to the checkout, calling each other variations of “Honeybear”, “Babykins” or “Peachy” and trying to beat the other at saying “I love you” (No, I love you more, Monkey Tits). When they make jokes among friends about how lively their sex life is, it’s clear to everyone else that these are no more than jokes with no basis in reality whatsoever.

This week I have set about the task of kissing as many people as possible to record the results and levels of satisfaction.  The feedback has been mixed but can be roughly divided into, on the one hand, a passionate response, and on the other, violent rejection.  Sometimes, both reactions are mixed together.

More to come, dear son!
Sha*-lun b6.3.7

Day 2 How to cope with having a mouth (part 1)

Dear Mak’ achi-lun b6.3.1,

1. Basic survival

A white adult's mouth.

Humans use their mouth in conjunction with the nose for breathing. They breath in oxygen and breath out CO2. Remember this, now, don’t suddenly swap over, especially in public. Don’t be tempted, either, to breath in or breath out anything different, humans a quick to judge and slow to forget. Europeans get up tight about receiving hydrogen from casual strangers while Canadians kick up a storm about a faceful of nitrogen. For methane emissions, you should let them out silently from between your legs. It’s then customary to say that the dog needs to be let out, so make sure you’ve got one standing by. Many countries have environmental health officers, so the amount of methane or CO2 you’re allowed to discharge per day has a maximum limit of 2kgs. Beyond that, there are various payment plans which vary from country to country.

Areas in blue have the most expensive plans for CO2 emissions, areas in orange have better priced plans but the best places in the world to let off high amounts of cheap emissions are labelled in red

For eating and drinking humans can only use their mouth.  This comes as a surprise when you discover how effectively some humans can do this while still managing to breathe. It’s a more satisfying system than the one we saw in Species 214-7b who, if you remember, swallowed food and ejected faeces with the same orifice, often simultaneously.  Humans possess neither a very strong suction ability nor great strength to break things up inside their mouths so they have to use their hands.

The richer the humans are, the more accessories they need for eating.  It’s hardly surprising, then, that the most advanced computer ever invented exists only to analyse what all the accessories on tables of the world’s best restaurants are for.  So far it has managed to identify uses for 6000 accessories, half of what the average millionaire will find on the table before him at lunch. The most absurd eating accessories in the entire universe are used on Earth.  They are known as chopsticks and they are the equivalent of using your left nipple to direct a freight spaceship through an asteroid storm. The chopsticks were introduced to a group of humans by species 45zb2 as a practical joke. The humans, believing them to be a sign of great intelligence and efficiency, adopted them without hesitation. This is the same species that jokingly created a planet entirely populated with real estate salespeople right on intersection 24 of the thirteen nomadic species of sector 71.

The infamous chopsticks in use

A high-class restaurant table in Los Angeles set for lunch

A word of warning: Never try eating, drinking and breathing at the same time, the human brain can’t cope with sorting out what goes where.  It usually results in a showdown between the respiratory and digestive systems and sounds exactly like the pop music we discovered on Andarva 6.  If you feel like choking in an expensive restaurant you may find the pressure required to suppress it forces sudden loud and vibrant methane emissions from down below.  Be careful here because dogs aren’t usually allowed in restaurants.  I find that, if you're about to choke, it's much better to try to work out which fork you're supposed to be using.  If you’re lucky, you won’t have to pay for the meal or hail a cab afterwards because you are being escorted from the restaurant on a comfortable stretcher.

I miss you , my son,

Sha*-lun b6.3.7

Day 1 How to cope with human biology (part 1).

Dear Mak’ achi-lun b6.3.1,

As a human, I have the body of a 25-year-old man. I am 1.90m tall, I weigh 76kgs.   This is how I look:

Entrances and exits

This summary should help you avoid confusion when you're with humans:

	Entrance for	Exit for	Other names	Number on body
Mouth	Oxygen, food, smoke, penis	CO2, smoke, speech, song, saliva, mucus, undigested food.	Cake hole/ pie hole, gob, trap, cock pocket	1
Ear	Sound	Wax	Flippers, Britney Spears	2
Eye	Light	Salty water	Peeper	2
Nose	Smells, tabacco, cocaine	Snot, smoke, blood	Sniffer, beek	1
Penis  (men only)	Not used unless for torture	Urine, semen	Cock, dick, travelling companion, little buddy	1
Vagina (women only)	Penis, tongue, finger, vegetable, toy	Urine, blood, offspring	box, pussy, fanny, cunt,  camel toe, stinky pink	1
Anus	Penis, tongue, finger, vegetable, toy	Digested food biproducts	bum, ass, butt, laffy taffy, black star,	1

I'm begining experiments with these entrances and exits and will keep you posted.  Now my new body is asking me to "sleep".  I'll explain that one to you, too.

Your father
Scha*-lun b6.3.7